Not Just “Getting Through” The Holidays
A Guide for Those Grieving
By Kelly Lafferman, M.A. LMHC, NCC
For those carrying the weight of loss, the holidays can feel like an endless series of reminders of who isn’t there, a season where joy and celebration seem to stand in contrast to your grief. Grieving isn’t something you simply “get through” or move past, even if well-meaning people sometimes say it that way. Grief is a part of you—a reflection of love that doesn’t follow a timeline. This season, rather than focusing on “getting through,” allow yourself to approach each day with gentleness and honesty, honoring what you need in each moment.
Grief is also universal. As Anderson Cooper once shared, “Grief is a bond that we all share... This is something we all go through, or all will go through in one way or another.”
Here are a few suggestions that may bring a bit of comfort and steadiness:
GENTLE WAYS TO CARE FOR YOURSELF
Release the Need to Follow Traditions: The holidays might look different this year, and that’s okay. Let go of any pressure to celebrate as you have in the past. This season can be a time to reimagine what feels right for you, whether that means creating new ways to honor your loved one or simply resting.
Build in Small Moments to Step Away: Grief doesn’t follow a schedule; it ebbs and flows. Have an escape plan—maybe a quiet corner, a favorite walk, or just a few minutes to yourself—where you can pause and catch your breath.
Consider a Meaningful New Ritual: It can be comforting to add something small and intentional to your days. Consider honoring your loved one in a simple ritual—lighting a candle, playing their favorite song, or sharing a story about them. This allows you to feel their presence during the holidays without the pressure of moving past the pain.
Listen to What You Need: Each day, let yourself ask, “What do I need right now?” and trust the answer. It might mean connecting with friends, spending time alone, or changing plans on the fly. Grief can be unpredictable, and there’s no need to judge what you feel.
Dip into Company Carefully: Being around others can sometimes be uplifting, but it’s okay to take these moments in small doses. If the gathering feels too heavy, step away when you need to. Your comfort and sense of peace matter.
WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR
As you already know, grief doesn’t always announce itself—it often surfaces in unexpected moments or familiar places. A few things to be mindful of:
Feeling obligated to meet others’ expectations—give yourself permission to set boundaries that feel right for you.
The tendency to isolate—while some solitude may be soothing, too much time alone might deepen feelings of sadness. Lean on your people. Consider reaching out to someone who knows your story. Remember, as Anderson Cooper said, we’re all connected through this shared experience of love and loss, so your people understand.
Strong memories tied to certain places, songs, or scents—be prepared with a gentle plan for grounding yourself if these moments catch you off guard.
The holidays may not be something you can simply “get through,” and that’s okay. Allow each day to unfold as it will, holding space for both your grief and moments of comfort. Embrace the days gently, with compassion for yourself, honoring the love and loss that bring meaning to this season.
