Healing vs. Adjusting: Which is it?

They were two friends of nearly three decades, both widowed within three years of each other. As they chatted, one woman shared that now, three years after her husband’s death, she felt as if she was beginning to heal. She credited her progress on her participation in a regular group discussion with other widowed men and women.

The other friend, whose husband passed unexpectedly just a few months before their conversation, reacted by suggesting that her friend was adjusting rather than healing. Healing and adjusting are different, according to Central Florida psychotherapist Cherlette McCullough. Healing is an internal process that takes work and time, while adjusting refers to external tactics used to navigate around the stressors associated with grief. Essentially, you’re saying, “I’m going to avoid anything that literally reminds me of that.”

Losing a spouse is traumatic whether it occurred after a lengthy illness or quickly in an unanticipated event, McCullough says. While most of us associate Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with military veterans or others in high-stress work situations, PTSD can affect anyone, including those who are widowed, because of the emotional impact of loss.

Those who are widowed may feel uncomfortable thinking that their tragedy doesn’t equate to that of a military veteran’s experience, but trauma can be any event that affects your peace, changes your world and your power, McCullough says. “It is uniquely defined by you.”

Healing is possible but requires work and time to deal with difficult emotions and feelings; that’s how one recovers from the emotional wounds caused by psychological distress or trauma. Adjusting, says McCullough, translates to compartmentalizing and essentially putting issues aside to avoid impactful reminders of the loss. She adds that adjusting is a more “comfortable” path because it doesn’t require an in-depth effort to identify root causes of continued sorrow.

McCullough notes that everyone’s grief timeline is different, but weeks of feeling low or helpless are signs that one should consider seeking professional help, which is not easy.

Historically, widows have been expected to “just suck it up” and move on. The effort is intimidating and off-putting because of the work involved as well as the stigma associated with mental health. The goal is to acquire an effective assessment to identify the issues, get a diagnosis and structure an appropriate treatment plan. It is equally critical to choose a therapist who specializes in grief counseling and to ask about fees and insurance coverage.

“Some of us don’t have the proper tools to heal and we don’t know what healing actually looks like until we we’re guided to it, especially if this is the first time for experiencing grief.”

McCullough says therapists work according to a spectrum of issues ranging from mental health concerns to diagnosing more significant conditions such as depression. “There is no diagnosis for anger, lack of sleep or an inability to connect in the moment,” she says, characterizing those as symptoms of what people are experiencing at the time. The therapist’s job is to assess and identify the challenges you’re facing. Everything therapists do, she says, is about helping people find their way back to a place of coping and functioning in their varied roles in life.

Healing from losing a spouse can occur when the surviving partner is able to put their feelings in the “right bucket” for proper perspective. For instance, it’s OK to still cry months after losing a spouse, but it’s important to have the ability to emotionally regulate and move forward through that moment, something that takes time because healing is a continuing process.

McCullough explains that counselors work to dig into the person’s thoughts and where those thoughts are coming from and then reframe them.

Often the surviving spouse can feel pressure from others who signal that the spouse isn’t healing fast enough and should move on and return to life as it was before the loss. Those judging the bereaved, says McCullough, may have the best of intentions and just not understand how healing tracks. Healing progresses differently for everyone because circumstances and how they are interpreted vary for each of us. Coping mechanisms, too, are different.

There will always be “triggers,” but a good indicator of healing is that when difficult memories occur, they don’t hinder or stop the surviving spouse’s progress; they don’t get stuck in that moment. McCullough adds that people can find ways to cope through comforting activities such as knitting or journaling, both of which can serve as a creative and cathartic outlet.

“Some of us don’t have the proper tools to heal and we don’t know what healing actually looks like until we we’re guided to it.”

Addressing guilt is another element in the process of healing. McCullough refers to “narrative therapy” for “detangling the story around guilt.” Those widowed can sometimes feel guilty when they begin to enjoy experiences because they are doing something that their spouse isn’t doing with them — it feels as if the surviving partner shouldn’t be enjoying the moment. But McCullough says it’s important to understand that you can feel two things at once and still be OK.  

“It doesn’t mean you are cheating on your spouse or saying you’re glad they’re gone. It’s two totally different things. It’s OK to say that while I wish he or she was still here, I am enjoying where I am now. But that doesn’t happen overnight.”

What’s important, she advises, is to be mindful about being in the present, right where you are in that experience. Normalizing it and creating space that allows people to see themselves where they can feel OK with starting the healing journey is very helpful.

McCullough emphasizes that healing is certainly possible without professional therapy. “People go to classes, different group events. Again, they take their lead from those helping them and do so at their own pace. They have the space to do those things.” She notes that faith-based organizations and institutions also offer avenues of support.

“Practice self-compassion by allowing yourself just to be without judgment, to allow yourself to connect at your own pace with people. Just don’t isolate,” McCullough says. “Do your best to educate yourself about what grief is, what it feels like and what it can do. It looks different for everyone.”

“Losing a spouse is something that happened to you; it’s not something you did. The unique thing about trauma is that it doesn’t self-heal. Trauma sits there in your soul until it is treated and processed. “