Todd and Joan

Joan during their Honeymoon in Paris, 2006

Life really is about second chances, most especially when it comes to love. Todd Heiden and Joan Donnelly got their second chances two decades ago after they met when both worked for the Walt Disney World Company. What began in a sweet, romantic-comedy kind of way ended in tragedy, leaving a dozen-year-old wake that remains, for Todd, as intensely painful to discuss today as when it happened.  

At a time when both were concluding previous relationships, Todd and Joan became work pals. When Todd’s high-level communications job took him to Paris for the opening of the company’s new theme park, he invited his friend Joan to use his temporary home as a landing place so that she could explore the city of her dreams. He would hardly be there, and she was free to come and go as she pleased and with no responsibilities. It was just what she needed.

Like the sweetest of storylines, their friendship evolved into love and ultimately marriage, with Joan becoming stepmother to Todd’s young daughter. As their relationship deepened, their desire for children took priority. But pregnancy was challenging for Joan so they opted for IVF and delightedly Joan gave birth to their daughter, Sofie. Joan became pregnant a second time but lost the child to miscarriage. Two years after Sofie’s birth, they were preparing to welcome their son Max. But it would be Joan’s second pregnancy, pre-existing health issues and an underestimated enemy – severe pre-eclampsia – that caused Joan to lose her life just four days after baby Max’s arrival.

Todd remembered with a laugh how Joan fantasized that her delivery would be just like that of “Lucy Ricardo” on the I Love Lucy tv show. Lucy was packed, coiffed and beautifully dressed as she left for the hospital to have Little Ricky. And she looked great afterward as well.

Joan’s experience was anything but that. She struggled with complications in all her pregnancies. Six weeks before her second child was due, she was diagnosed with severe pre-eclampsia, a pregnancy disorder that affects blood pressure, lungs, kidneys, the liver to name a few of its complications. Joan was taken to the hospital without Todd who was serving on jury duty.

Shortly after her hospital arrival, Joan was released to go home, but then forced to return two days later due to dangerous blood pressure spikes. Max arrived prematurely and Joan was sent home two days after his birth. In the middle of the night another two days later, Joan woke her husband panicked and repeating “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe!”

Todd’s initial thought was that Joan was hyperventilating from an anxiety attack but it quickly became clear this was something more. He called 9-1-1. By the time paramedics arrived, she had stopped breathing and was turning blue. “She collapsed at home and basically died for all intents and purposes on our kitchen floor.”

Although paramedics were able to resuscitate Joan, her brain’s left and right hemispheres no longer functioned and she had no cognitive abilities. Joan’s cerebral cortex, which handles involuntary movements including breathing and blinking remained intact. “That was the cruel part. Imagine the brain collapsing on itself but the brainstem being okay.”

Family members from both sides came from across the country and surrounded Todd, the children and their beloved Joan. But after two weeks, Todd was forced to direct that his wife be removed from life support.

Now, more than a dozen years later, Todd still struggles with the trauma of it all. “That’s the PTSD – first watching it all happen and the second part, having to be the person that makes that decision.” What followed was a never-ending flow of unanticipated demands and duties from a variety of sources as well as a pile of unanswered questions.

In spite of their shared hyper-awareness of Joan’s health challenges in pregnancy, the Heidens could never have imagined how horribly wrong a pregnancy – her pregnancy -- could go or how tremendously the healthcare system could fail them from pregnancy through birth. Functioning in a state of shock, Todd’s days were filled with caring for his infant son and two young daughters as well as serving as liaison with the hospital and lots of heartbroken and stunned family members. Trying to get information about what exactly happened, his wife’s prognosis, caring for an infant and two small children all while juggling the world around him, left him no time to think or cry. On top of dealing with a newborn, a two-year old, and a nine-year-old, endless doctors and the foreign language of health-speak, Todd discovered a $50,000 mountain of credit card debt, all from one company — expenses Joan had acquired without his knowledge.

Joan's final resting place in West Virginia

“To this day, I don’t know what she was using them for, maybe to pay for IVF. She didn’t tell me about it,” Todd shared, noting that all the cards were given to her by the same credit card company, which he believes is why two years after Joan’s passing and his vigorous arguments with the company about its practices, they waived reimbursement.

Two of Joan’s eight siblings stepped in to help care for her two children while Todd spent time with Camille, his firstborn.  At some point, the support became more overwhelming than helpful, he said, and ultimately, he found it awkwardly necessary to ask Joan’s family members to give him room to function as a father to all his children when they needed him most.

Business colleagues donated their vacation time so Todd could be with his children, but he returned to work three months later.  “I would sit in the car once I got to work and just take 15 minutes to kind of get it out of my system and then get out of the car, go into the building and be surrounded by people I had known for 20 years – family. That’s kind of how it was at Disney.”

While feeling smothered by it all, Todd was grateful for Joan’s siblings.

“I needed to find a rhythm for me and the kids. I couldn’t have done it without them, but I needed time to grieve,” something he felt had been denied him due to the myriad of medical and emotional issues surrounding Joan’s passing. As he began to put one foot in front of the other, Todd prioritized his focus on young Sofie’s grief and loss as well as Max’s need for a mother’s influence. “Max doesn’t actually remember his mother,” he said.

Creating a sense of normalcy during school, after school and within the dynamics of a large and heartbroken family, remains a very long, hard road, but clearly Todd’s commitment and decisions were on track. “The kids are all doing well in school and have positive relationships with friends.” He noted, “My kids don’t want to be known as the kid without a mom.”

And for a time, Disney employees started referring Todd to speak to other employees who lost a spouse. “That gave me a little bit of purpose.”

Todd is proactively laying the ground-work for a new chapter. He has relocated his family to his hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin to establish a new start with the added bonus of living close to Todd’s mother. His father passed away from Covid and dementia shortly before Todd relocated so he is particularly happy to be located closer to his mother. “It’s a simpler lifestyle and culture for his children. “I want to give them a positive anchor.”

While his kids are adjusting and doing well overall, it’s not been easy for Todd; his childhood friends from school who remain in Milwaukee have lives of their own. Meanwhile, Todd, who was laid off from his job at Disney is looking for a new career. The move to Milwaukee, without the distraction of work and no personal support system or partner has, “…made what happened more profound,” Todd explains. “Now, I’m totally alone.”  

But the move is indeed an intentional new start -- so much so, he burned all of Joan’s medical records before he relocated. “I put everything in my grill and burned them.” Bringing them with him translated to “carrying my burden with me.”

He is candid about his struggles pursuing a new relationship for himself. Today he is in a new relationship and content, but he earlier attempts to date began well, but fizzled over time, in part, he suspects because of his responsibilities as a single dad. For him, he explains, dating was for “companionship” not an effort to find a mother for his children.

Now the priority is gainful employment that is enjoyable and purposeful while also finding new relationships and interests in his hometown. It’s also about making sure his kids are happy, balanced and supported.

“I’ve got a bucketful of would haves, should haves and could haves,” Todd says as he recounts the most frightening and sorrowful moments. “Now I’ve got to make a life here.”