How To Grieve

Emily Green, Counselor, MA, LMHC

Grief is an initiation into the dark side of being human and it requires courage. So says licensed mental health therapist Emily Green who describes grief as an ongoing negotiation with oneself about how to feel, what to think and how to act.

Am I grieving correctly? Is what I’m feeling normal? Why must I always be the one to comfort others when I’m the person who lost my spouse? I think I’m going crazy. Green says these are just some of the normal thoughts and questions that contribute to the mix of known and unknown experiences, reactions and questions of the grieving.  

“Humans are pleasure-seeking, pain-avoidant creatures,” she explains. Dealing with the death of a loved one requires “healthy aggression” to face loss and the unanticipated and confusing moments that come with it. “I think it always takes courage to face that absence and find a way to make meaning from it. There are endless ways for that to happen, but it is often something people fight against because they’re in another place, they’re in shock or they’re angry.”

Grief, says Green, often prompts one to defend against overwhelming or frightening issues or events. “There’s a bargaining – I’ll never feel pain again if I grieve the right way. I’ll be safe. The reality is that even when you know it’s coming, grief is a shock.”

Addressing a romantic partner’s death is difficult work, she says. The surviving spouse is hit with the harsh reality of the loss of companionship and life shared as a couple all of which positions a glaring spotlight on how the couple’s balance has been dramatically tipped. For some, that can be paralyzing to such a degree that someone who has been widowed can’t step forward, even when it comes to simple decision-making.

“The surviving spouse is left to continue handling his or her own routine tasks as well as their partner’s duties such as paying bills, mowing the lawn, the laundry, etc. The challenges for a spouse who is left alone as a single parent are even greater. You’re faced with ‘Oh my gosh, I’ve got all this loss and I’ve got to handle the fucking weeds!”

Even more heartbreaking, she notes, is the surviving spouse no longer has their mate to make them feel important and special. She warns that grieving spouses can be dismissive of their own emotions “as if it’s not that big of a problem.” Doing so can be treacherous. There’s a cost to continually minimizing real emotions. “I can carry a five-pound weight, and I can keep carrying that same weight but it’s going to get heavier over time. It just doesn’t get easier.”

“…the pain will always be there whether you face it or not.”

People need space when they’re mourning. “They need a place where they can be messy with their feelings while also being connected to someone – a counselor or a friend. Green says humans tend to treat all spaces the same when what people really need is to know that “this is the space where I fall apart. ?This is the space where I can scream or whatever.” Having that “container” as she calls it, is why counseling can be impactful. It’s a recognized place where one can just check in to understand what they’re going through.

Historically, Green theorizes that established institutions like churches, schools and neighborhood groups traditionally provided rapid and compassionate support during times of loss. However, the overall decline in participation of these institutions highlights the need for other spaces of support.  

Even the simple act of mailing a sympathy card has become somewhat outdated thanks to the public’s reliance on social media as a primary communication channel. But receiving a card in the mail, Green says, can force someone to move just by having to check their mailbox and, even better, “It helps make a connection at a time where someone has just had their biggest connection severed. That act of connecting can be restorative.”

Green strongly encourages surviving spouses to give counseling a try. “You feel crazy right now and that’s actually part of grief. It’s really normal. It’s also traumatic and distressing. Grief is not linear and sometimes people need a little help just being able to process.” Grief will always take up space; sometimes more, sometimes less. “Our job as therapists is to take care of that space in a way that helps work through the unbearable emotions.”

Moving forward is hard because it’s about moving on with life, in a life you don’t want to be living that way, says Green. She encourages “tagging” moments in our minds as a way to mark something identifiable with grief to create clarity. “It helps us start to experience time, and to recognize it as a different kind of time” and “something I’m doing or feeling because of my grief.” 

Green clarifies the therapist’s role. “I can be here with you. It’s honesty and encouragement that help. Yeah, this is hard; it’s going to get harder and it’s going to last longer than you want it to, but that’s okay. There are things I can do to help support you.” Meanwhile, some grieving survivors are intentional in avoiding therapy because they don’t want to relate to what they’re going through.

Green proffers that tiny new thoughts can help a grieving spouse minimize some of the awkward moments like being with friends who are uncomfortable and don’t know what to do. She suggests trying “I wish” statements that gently help paint a picture of what is needed or wanted without offending those who mean well but who may be clumsy in their efforts to help.

For instance, “I wish you could just listen to me instead of trying to solve my problems; that would mean the world to me.”

The actions of grieving, moving forward and trying to figure out what is normal are different for everyone. Finding a way to process what has happened in a manner that helps someone connect to the depth of their experience and feelings is important. Sometimes, we don’t want to control the pain. But in reality, Green concludes, the pain will always be there whether you face it or not.